New Year Resolutions

Happy New Years!

It seems that another year has flown by. I am a bit disappointed in myself, since I haven't posted on this blog with any sort of consistency this entire year. I wanted to make a blog to encourage myself to write more, but it was difficult to write anything once the initial motivation wore off. I want to write on here more often, even if not everything I write is the best thing since sliced bread.

Enough about that, let's get onto the list! I never made much of a deal out of New Year resolutions before, but I figured that putting my list out there might back it with some extra motivation. For me, these are more like goals for next year than they are promises to improve.

1. I want to learn the basics of coding. That is, I want to be able to claim a front end development certification at Free Code Camp(here) by the end of the year. I probably need to set aside about 7 hours a week. I realize that it's difficult to make time for this when I'm still in school, but I think this would be doable if given the willpower. I am a little anxious about writing any code on my own once I let go of the tutorials, but I will keep at it even when I feel the urge to declare coding to be "too hard for someone like me."

2. I will stop chewing on my fingers, because it's the worst habit I have(apart from being a slow-poke). This has already gotten a lot better since I tried to stop a few months ago, but the urge to do it comes back routinely. I will find better ways to relieve stress or boredom, and I plan to let go of this finger-destroying habit within the next year.

3. I want to be more present in everything I do. It often feels like my body is on autopilot. This is likely why I take so long to do many basic things, since whenever my mind wanders, I can't focus on the task at hand. I'm not very grounded in the present. It's kind of hard to explain, but the gist of it is that I want to be more aware of my surroundings. This might be the most difficult of my resolutions, since this is the the way I've been since I was a kid.

4. I will try to do things the first moment that I can. I tend to put off any sort of work until the last minute. I piled on many hours of sleep debt until I was about ready to collapse when the weekend came around. A pomodoro timer can help me to get started the majority of the time, but I still struggle with pushing myself to do the task when there is the possibility of doing it later. It seems as if time keeps slipping through my fingers, no matter how much of it I get.

I think that the start of a new year is a great time to reflect and find new ways of improving. Most resolutions aren't seen through, but that won't stop me from hoping that I'll work through mine. Thank you very much for taking a look at my list, and let's hope that 2016 will be amazing!

Yours,

Lorlaine

Disappointment, Not Failure

Hello,

I'm an overachiever. I know I am, because I was raised to be one. I was raised on high hopes and structured goals, on more why didn'ts and not enoughs than good jobs. I grew up with constant chatter about the future that I could never quite wrap my head around.

That's not to say I despise the way I've been parented. It's quite the opposite, really, and I couldn't have imagined growing up any other way. I enjoy reaching goals and testing limits, and every time I do I can feel some satisfaction in the hearts of my parents, that their hard work and sacrifices have been worth it. It's something that's never said to my face, but they love to boast about what I've done in this and that to others, and I'm admittedly flattered when they do so. It makes me think I'm doing something right, even when I feel otherwise. Maybe, it would do me more good to have more of an inner drive to improve, but I haven't quite found that yet.

In spite of and because of being an overachiever, I'm going to fall down, stumble, and bruise myself many times, perhaps harder than others. I'm never quite prepared for these moments. Expecting can be a scary thing, and reassuring myself that all will be well while waiting for the outcome does backfire. The more I expect from something, the more shock when I fall.

I thought I would make it. I never really considered otherwise. My confidence was way too inflated in hindsight. Evidently, I was more worried about being able to make the commitment to be there at the meetings that would follow than my actual success. This was probably the result of achieving something higher up and much larger in scale before. So, I genuinely was surprised that I hadn't been chosen. That there had been at least 10 others better than me. Even when I had two full years more experience than they had, I still couldn't match up to them. I drowned out my dejection with music, and let everything fall out.

But, I didn't need this. The audition was on a whim, and I didn't practice much for it as a result. I tried my best for what it was worth, and I truly enjoyed the moment of audition. There's no way I could succeed in everything, right? I have already had so many of my dreams fulfilled, and gotten much of what I've asked and hoped for. The fact that I didn't make it this time means that there's more to be improved on. I decided that I would work to get better, even if the others had more talent. I would continue practicing at home and at private lessons to be able to deliver my most heartfelt solo ever at the end of the year. And then, maybe she will even regret not choosing me when she had the chance.

Today, I found out that I couldn't have participated anyway because my schedule clashed with the meeting time. Even if I was chosen, I would still not have been able to go. It is a little eye-opening to see how much longer and bumpier the road ahead of me is, so I'm a little grateful for not being picked. This is a long ramble on something small, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. :)

Yours,

Lorlaine

Falling Out of Love with Books

Hello,

I want to get something else out there. Last summer, I almost gave up reading. Previously, books had always been a sort of safe haven for me, something that I truly enjoyed but could still count as "educational." My parents mostly left me alone when it came to my reading. Unlike piano or violin, it was a passion that I had naturally gotten into, and not have had shoved in my face until I became good enough to enjoy it. (That's not to say that I don't like playing violin) Reading could take me to fascinating worlds and show me new ideas. I never stuck my nose into non-fiction much unless it was something that interested me, because I could get more absorbed and "into" fiction books. Last summer, I found a new reserve of emotion, character, and story in the anime world. In anime, you didn't have to try to imagine how the world is yourself, and could just focus in on the intriguing characters and stories. And boy, were there good stories! Beautiful animation can bring a character to life and make a great character unforgettable. There was a world of stories out there that I hadn't even touched! I marathoned series after series, exposing myself to a multitude of ideas that books couldn't even simulate. 

When it came down to the last two weeks of vacation, I still hadn't finished my two summer reading book choices. I had no excuses, no matter how many I tried to spit out. I sped through 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, liking it, but left wondering how I ever enjoyed Jules Verne as much as I did before. The next book I'd chosen was Anne of Green Gables. I'd only picked it because there weren't any other selections in the library at the time, and that I figured that classics can't go wrong. I loved it a lot more than I thought I would. I adored Anne, with her boldness and overactive imagination that I could never hope to attain. I could feel for her every dramatic sorrow, every strange imagining, and every dream realized. Yet, I saw that many others appreciated the classic for the way the world around them actively affected Anne. Indeed, Avonlea was always described in the most colorful way possible. Around every corner there were memorable descriptions of what you would take to be everyday scenery otherwise. I had took them all for granted. Should I read it again for the sake of experiencing the vivid landscapes? No, that wouldn't do any good. I couldn't imagine it, so reading it again wouldn't help. I couldn't imagine what Anne's world looked like. Reading always brought me to a land of my own, where I could illustrate every scene to the way I wanted it to be. I couldn't see it anymore. The imagination and imagery that I so treasured had flitted away after neglect.

Right now, I know that I WANT to read more. I want to regain the ability to make a story or world alive on my own. Anime is a wonderful medium with all sorts of good ideas, but I get the feeling that if I'm not reading anymore, there's no way that I could be able to tell engaging stories or write out my feelings onto paper until I'm satisfied. I want to write more too. That's why I'm going to make this blog more easygoing, so that I won't feel intimidated by my own writing from before. I'm not sure how exactly I'm going to get myself back into reading, but I'm going to do it. In the past, I longed to become an author. I hope I will be able to find the exact reason I loved reading so much once again.

Yours,

Lorlaine (I do like this name best.)

                                                                            


                                                             

Speech to a Friend with Anxiety

Hello!

It's been a while since I last posted anything, so I guess I'll start with a poem I wrote in Language Arts. I hope you like it! :)

You won’t have to just sit there,

Suffering day after day

When all the “what ifs” gather

and fear sharpens its teeth.

When the twinge of regret grows

and slashes through your chest

As if your heart were its sheath.

You don’t have to be comforted by

That familiar twisted mantra

“I deserve this”

Just to endure the pain.

Are you still facing it all on your own?

You might feel like you’re alone

But you’re not.

I’m here.

I’m here with you,

and I’m not going anywhere.

Don’t hurt yourself like this,

It hurts me too.

I just want to see you be happy.

What can I do?

You can talk to me, ok? I’m listening.

It’s hard, isn’t it?

I know I can’t relate to you completely,

And some words I say may hurt more than help,

But I’ll try.

I don’t blame you at all.

It’s not your fault, it never was.

Blaming yourself makes you feel worse, right?

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Since, who doesn’t have a demon to face?

Why am I here? Because you matter to me.

You’re the same person I’ve always cared about.

And I DO care.

I’m going to help you the best I can

Just as you helped me before.

Keep fighting, ok?

Even if it’s only for one more smile,

Or one more day.

I’ll be fighting them by your side.

It might take a while to win,

But we’ll make it through,

Together.

My friend, this is for you.

Lorlaine

MBTI Judgement Vs. Perception

Hello Philososeekers,

There's a rather common personality test roaming around, which is the Myers Briggs Typology Indicator or MBTI.  It measures your personality in four categories: Extroverted (E) or Introverted (I), Intuitive (N) or Sensing (S), Thinking (T) or Feeling (F), and Judgement (J) or Perception (P).  Then you just mix the words that best corresponds with you together, such as ENTJ or ISFP.

I have been typed as an INFJ, and essentially it fits me.  INFJs are pretty rare, and I suppose that I am a little odd compared to other teenagers my age, and I never quite fit in, and that's fine.  You should never have to change yourself according to what others think of you.  Anyway, I feel that I am barely typed as judgemental since I am pretty open to anything, except something that contradicts what I truly believe in.  If someone differs to me in my strongest beliefs, I will still respect them, but I would defend my values no matter what.  On most arguments, I tend to examine both perspectives, and find justifications for both sides.  I retain my opinion on the argument, and can see why the the other side has some points, also.  A confusing result of this is me not being able to participate in a debate very well.  Therefore, both INFJ and INFP characteristics fit me well, although I'm leaning slightly towards INFJ.  No one is ever entirely judgemental or perceptive, nor entirely one descriptor in the other categories, since we all have features of both words.

Then, couldn't a person's preference for judgment or perception be altered to their situation? Perceptive people, by definition, are more adaptable and open-minded, but when faced with quick decisions, I feel that their response will differ according to the maturity of their judging trait.  Since MBTI measures your preference for one trait, no matter how slight, a highly-grounded person identified as perceptive, simply because they prefer judging a situation later rather than sooner.  Individuals who are perceptive are more likely to be intuitive, due to the open-mindedness of both traits.

Judgemental people are generally more organized and can deal with decisions better than perceptive people.  They can plan and get objectives done.  Individuals who prefer judgement may become stubborn in their knowledge and not very accepting of new information if it contradicts what they know, but are better at realizing if information is false.  Judgemental people are more likely to be sensing, due to the closed-mindedness of both traits.

Another thing is, when taking the test, it's easy to answer according to how you want to be, not who you really are.  It can be difficult to be honest when you know that in the end the test will judge your answers.  The test may reveal a lot about your basic personality, but those four letters will never embody who YOU are as a person.  It won't determine your beliefs, your abilities, your mind, or your future.  Those are aspects of you that you choose, yourself.

                                              Forever,
                                              Optimistic Reflection

The Little Prince's Desert

Hello Philososeekers,

The Little Prince is one of the most cherished novels in history, and it is also one of my most favorite books.  The story itself is just one big metaphor, and it has little meanings in every sentence.  If you don't read them carefully, it's easy to miss some big concepts.  One of many questions that can be asked after reading is: Where is the desert where the story takes place?  An immediate response might be that it is the Sahara Desert, because it's mentioned that the pilot crash-landed there.  But where is it really?  Why in the world would the pilot have to crash there when he's uncertain of his place in the world, where there's no contact with other people at all?  The lonely land may isolate people, but doesn't your journey start with yourself, and then become influenced by others?  If that is so, the little prince may just be the soul of a younger aviator, but that is to be discussed later.  But even then, why would fate bring the little prince to the desert, when he's on his journey to find himself?  Maybe the desert represents something more as a setting.  I feel that the desert is a place of discovery, of imagination, of inner youth, of your true self, and of all the life lessons that the dear story has taught us.  It is within ourselves, and can always be found despite outside circumstances in your life.  Your desert can be found, but only if you look for it. Let's take another look at it:

It's a sight to behold, isn't it?  This is the touching last paragraph in The Little Prince that comes with this view:

"Look at it carefully so that you will be sure to recognise it in case you travel some day to the African desert. And, if you should come upon this spot, please do not hurry on. Wait for a time, exactly under the star. Then, if a little man appears who laughs, who has golden hair and who refuses to answer questions, you will know who he is. If this should happen, please comfort me. Send me word that he has come back."

So please, dear reader, sometime in your busy day, do find your hidden desert of who you truly are, and go back to it from time to time, simply to remember.

                                                                                                                   

                                                                                       Forever,

                                                                     Optimistic Reflection

Much Thanks to: Mrs. Chittum, my English teacher, for bringing up this subject and Antoine de Saint-Exupéry for his thought-evoking book that has touched many lives. :)

Photo Credit: http://www.generationterrorists.com

7 Steps To Happiness

Hello Philososeekers,

A couple of weeks ago, I found this chart on the internet:

I feel that, although it is a very simple message, there is much meaning conveyed. If we all followed these seven basic steps, perhaps the world would be a better place. Granted, there will always be problems, as we are all faulted human beings, but we would still be improving upon the future. It seems like it has an eerily complex inner message, so let us do some searching.

What Could The Hidden Message Be?

Expectations of modern society that are enforced upon can be both helping and detrimental, so could the steps be highlighting the negative effects of society? Or, maybe the seven statements are not highlighting the problems within society, but within ourselves? We all shall sometimes want to be overly-analytical so that the universe will make sense, pessimistic so that we don't have any dreams to become unfulfilled, judgemental because we don't want to doubt ourselves, and comprehensive of the unknown, but we can likewise follow our hearts, our bliss, and look at the infinitely prodigious picture as well. I feel that it may just be pointing out the curses and blessings of just being human.

                                                                                    Forever,
                                                                                   Optimistic Reflection  

Photo Credit: www.happinessinyourlife.com