Disappointment, Not Failure

Hello,

I'm an overachiever. I know I am, because I was raised to be one. I was raised on high hopes and structured goals, on more why didn'ts and not enoughs than good jobs. I grew up with constant chatter about the future that I could never quite wrap my head around.

That's not to say I despise the way I've been parented. It's quite the opposite, really, and I couldn't have imagined growing up any other way. I enjoy reaching goals and testing limits, and every time I do I can feel some satisfaction in the hearts of my parents, that their hard work and sacrifices have been worth it. It's something that's never said to my face, but they love to boast about what I've done in this and that to others, and I'm admittedly flattered when they do so. It makes me think I'm doing something right, even when I feel otherwise. Maybe, it would do me more good to have more of an inner drive to improve, but I haven't quite found that yet.

In spite of and because of being an overachiever, I'm going to fall down, stumble, and bruise myself many times, perhaps harder than others. I'm never quite prepared for these moments. Expecting can be a scary thing, and reassuring myself that all will be well while waiting for the outcome does backfire. The more I expect from something, the more shock when I fall.

I thought I would make it. I never really considered otherwise. My confidence was way too inflated in hindsight. Evidently, I was more worried about being able to make the commitment to be there at the meetings that would follow than my actual success. This was probably the result of achieving something higher up and much larger in scale before. So, I genuinely was surprised that I hadn't been chosen. That there had been at least 10 others better than me. Even when I had two full years more experience than they had, I still couldn't match up to them. I drowned out my dejection with music, and let everything fall out.

But, I didn't need this. The audition was on a whim, and I didn't practice much for it as a result. I tried my best for what it was worth, and I truly enjoyed the moment of audition. There's no way I could succeed in everything, right? I have already had so many of my dreams fulfilled, and gotten much of what I've asked and hoped for. The fact that I didn't make it this time means that there's more to be improved on. I decided that I would work to get better, even if the others had more talent. I would continue practicing at home and at private lessons to be able to deliver my most heartfelt solo ever at the end of the year. And then, maybe she will even regret not choosing me when she had the chance.

Today, I found out that I couldn't have participated anyway because my schedule clashed with the meeting time. Even if I was chosen, I would still not have been able to go. It is a little eye-opening to see how much longer and bumpier the road ahead of me is, so I'm a little grateful for not being picked. This is a long ramble on something small, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. :)

Yours,

Lorlaine

Falling Out of Love with Books

Hello,

I want to get something else out there. Last summer, I almost gave up reading. Previously, books had always been a sort of safe haven for me, something that I truly enjoyed but could still count as "educational." My parents mostly left me alone when it came to my reading. Unlike piano or violin, it was a passion that I had naturally gotten into, and not have had shoved in my face until I became good enough to enjoy it. (That's not to say that I don't like playing violin) Reading could take me to fascinating worlds and show me new ideas. I never stuck my nose into non-fiction much unless it was something that interested me, because I could get more absorbed and "into" fiction books. Last summer, I found a new reserve of emotion, character, and story in the anime world. In anime, you didn't have to try to imagine how the world is yourself, and could just focus in on the intriguing characters and stories. And boy, were there good stories! Beautiful animation can bring a character to life and make a great character unforgettable. There was a world of stories out there that I hadn't even touched! I marathoned series after series, exposing myself to a multitude of ideas that books couldn't even simulate. 

When it came down to the last two weeks of vacation, I still hadn't finished my two summer reading book choices. I had no excuses, no matter how many I tried to spit out. I sped through 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, liking it, but left wondering how I ever enjoyed Jules Verne as much as I did before. The next book I'd chosen was Anne of Green Gables. I'd only picked it because there weren't any other selections in the library at the time, and that I figured that classics can't go wrong. I loved it a lot more than I thought I would. I adored Anne, with her boldness and overactive imagination that I could never hope to attain. I could feel for her every dramatic sorrow, every strange imagining, and every dream realized. Yet, I saw that many others appreciated the classic for the way the world around them actively affected Anne. Indeed, Avonlea was always described in the most colorful way possible. Around every corner there were memorable descriptions of what you would take to be everyday scenery otherwise. I had took them all for granted. Should I read it again for the sake of experiencing the vivid landscapes? No, that wouldn't do any good. I couldn't imagine it, so reading it again wouldn't help. I couldn't imagine what Anne's world looked like. Reading always brought me to a land of my own, where I could illustrate every scene to the way I wanted it to be. I couldn't see it anymore. The imagination and imagery that I so treasured had flitted away after neglect.

Right now, I know that I WANT to read more. I want to regain the ability to make a story or world alive on my own. Anime is a wonderful medium with all sorts of good ideas, but I get the feeling that if I'm not reading anymore, there's no way that I could be able to tell engaging stories or write out my feelings onto paper until I'm satisfied. I want to write more too. That's why I'm going to make this blog more easygoing, so that I won't feel intimidated by my own writing from before. I'm not sure how exactly I'm going to get myself back into reading, but I'm going to do it. In the past, I longed to become an author. I hope I will be able to find the exact reason I loved reading so much once again.

Yours,

Lorlaine (I do like this name best.)

                                                                            


                                                             

Speech to a Friend with Anxiety

Hello!

It's been a while since I last posted anything, so I guess I'll start with a poem I wrote in Language Arts. I hope you like it! :)

You won’t have to just sit there,

Suffering day after day

When all the “what ifs” gather

and fear sharpens its teeth.

When the twinge of regret grows

and slashes through your chest

As if your heart were its sheath.

You don’t have to be comforted by

That familiar twisted mantra

“I deserve this”

Just to endure the pain.

Are you still facing it all on your own?

You might feel like you’re alone

But you’re not.

I’m here.

I’m here with you,

and I’m not going anywhere.

Don’t hurt yourself like this,

It hurts me too.

I just want to see you be happy.

What can I do?

You can talk to me, ok? I’m listening.

It’s hard, isn’t it?

I know I can’t relate to you completely,

And some words I say may hurt more than help,

But I’ll try.

I don’t blame you at all.

It’s not your fault, it never was.

Blaming yourself makes you feel worse, right?

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Since, who doesn’t have a demon to face?

Why am I here? Because you matter to me.

You’re the same person I’ve always cared about.

And I DO care.

I’m going to help you the best I can

Just as you helped me before.

Keep fighting, ok?

Even if it’s only for one more smile,

Or one more day.

I’ll be fighting them by your side.

It might take a while to win,

But we’ll make it through,

Together.

My friend, this is for you.

Lorlaine