Disappointment, Not Failure

Hello,

I'm an overachiever. I know I am, because I was raised to be one. I was raised on high hopes and structured goals, on more why didn'ts and not enoughs than good jobs. I grew up with constant chatter about the future that I could never quite wrap my head around.

That's not to say I despise the way I've been parented. It's quite the opposite, really, and I couldn't have imagined growing up any other way. I enjoy reaching goals and testing limits, and every time I do I can feel some satisfaction in the hearts of my parents, that their hard work and sacrifices have been worth it. It's something that's never said to my face, but they love to boast about what I've done in this and that to others, and I'm admittedly flattered when they do so. It makes me think I'm doing something right, even when I feel otherwise. Maybe, it would do me more good to have more of an inner drive to improve, but I haven't quite found that yet.

In spite of and because of being an overachiever, I'm going to fall down, stumble, and bruise myself many times, perhaps harder than others. I'm never quite prepared for these moments. Expecting can be a scary thing, and reassuring myself that all will be well while waiting for the outcome does backfire. The more I expect from something, the more shock when I fall.

I thought I would make it. I never really considered otherwise. My confidence was way too inflated in hindsight. Evidently, I was more worried about being able to make the commitment to be there at the meetings that would follow than my actual success. This was probably the result of achieving something higher up and much larger in scale before. So, I genuinely was surprised that I hadn't been chosen. That there had been at least 10 others better than me. Even when I had two full years more experience than they had, I still couldn't match up to them. I drowned out my dejection with music, and let everything fall out.

But, I didn't need this. The audition was on a whim, and I didn't practice much for it as a result. I tried my best for what it was worth, and I truly enjoyed the moment of audition. There's no way I could succeed in everything, right? I have already had so many of my dreams fulfilled, and gotten much of what I've asked and hoped for. The fact that I didn't make it this time means that there's more to be improved on. I decided that I would work to get better, even if the others had more talent. I would continue practicing at home and at private lessons to be able to deliver my most heartfelt solo ever at the end of the year. And then, maybe she will even regret not choosing me when she had the chance.

Today, I found out that I couldn't have participated anyway because my schedule clashed with the meeting time. Even if I was chosen, I would still not have been able to go. It is a little eye-opening to see how much longer and bumpier the road ahead of me is, so I'm a little grateful for not being picked. This is a long ramble on something small, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. :)

Yours,

Lorlaine